I.
am so sick.
of my mother.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
I don't really have anything to say.
it's ten thirty-ish and I just woke up, and I'm laying in my bed scratching my dogs ears. my parents are both out running errands and I'm stuck at home with nothing to do but eat frosted flakes and go back to sleep. (they really are grrr-eat, ya know.) and I can't talk to my wonderul girlfriend because I have her phone and her laptop died. fan-freaking-tastic. I haven't posted anything since like a week ago, sorry about that. I'm either too lazy or too busy. mainly lazy.
I found this in my desk, some of my lame poetry:
the cameras flash and her eyes seem to gleam
but in her world nothings as it seems
she sits alone in her limousine
getting lost in the nicotine
shell never know why these silly things
take away more than they'll ever bring
a glass slipper and a diamond ring
she'll fall asleep, but she'll never dream.
I found this in my desk, some of my lame poetry:
the cameras flash and her eyes seem to gleam
but in her world nothings as it seems
she sits alone in her limousine
getting lost in the nicotine
shell never know why these silly things
take away more than they'll ever bring
a glass slipper and a diamond ring
she'll fall asleep, but she'll never dream.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
good morrow.
last night got me thinking. after with seeing the bands play and the audience and the lights and the sound and deep ellum and like minded liberalistic people, it made me wonder; why the hell am I not doing this at this point in my life? I've found that sense of belonging that I so long for. I just know in my little indie kid heart that that's what I wanna do...... what I'm gonna do.
I'm pretty sure Ive spent basically every waking moment with carley since two o'clock on thursday untill now. I really feel like were getting closer and closer. and the closer we get, the more feelings I get for her. she's just fascinating, I don't know what it is. we have so much in common, were both pretty weird. I like being with her, and she's fun to be with even when we're not making out.
moral of the story: I hate waking up before ten, carley is awsome, and we need to get our shit together.
I'm pretty sure Ive spent basically every waking moment with carley since two o'clock on thursday untill now. I really feel like were getting closer and closer. and the closer we get, the more feelings I get for her. she's just fascinating, I don't know what it is. we have so much in common, were both pretty weird. I like being with her, and she's fun to be with even when we're not making out.
moral of the story: I hate waking up before ten, carley is awsome, and we need to get our shit together.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
ugh.
today wasn't a good day. not terrible, just not wonderful. I managed to legitimently fall asleep and dream in every one of my classes today. I don't know why, I got plenty of sleep. I get plenty of sleep. but lately it's been harder just to sum up enough energy to stay awake for a whole class period.
maybe I needed it tho. just a day to put my noise supressing earbuds to good use and get lost in the music and feel like I'm the only one in the room.
I really hate school. it ruins me. I am convinced that I would be 100% happier, healthier, more energetic person if it isn't exist. I hate the pressure, I hate how the people are, I hate how the adminitraters are, I hate the food, I hate the smell, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, I hate the music they play in the hallways, I hate how rude everybody is, I hate the monotony. I. HATE. SCHOOL. it just makes me feel so akward. I feel like I don't belong.
maybe it's a good thing tho. maybe if I didn't feel that then I would be just another kid. and I would wear ed hardy and polos and get shitfaced every weekend and wear my hat backwards and keep the dumb little sticker on it and drive a charger. and grow up to be just another guy and go to college and maybe have a family and do absolutely nothing to benefit the succession of mankind except reproduce and change oxygen into carbon dioxide.
that's why college scares me. i dont wanna fall in line. I don't wanna end up like just some asshole uptight father who does nothing but sit behind a computer all day and come home to a shit family who hates me because I'm an uptight asshole of a father.
but who am I kidding. I would never let myself end up like that. I'm too much of a thinker, I'm too stubborn. uptight people don't think about things, other than how it will benefit themselves. I will not end up like that. I refuse. but what do I have going for me? my whole childhood I've dreamt of becoming the next big rockstar, and be the band I've always wanted to see. I wanna be so filthy fucking rich that I can pay for every place in the world that doesbt have water to never be thirsty again (which is estimated to take only $10 billion), or take a homless guy shopping or something crazy awsome like that. I wanna be the best father I can to my children and live in an average home even though I'm a billionaire. I wanna change the face of the entertainment buisiness with only the songs I write, or just the words I say. I wanna change peoples lives.
but what if I never get my big break?
but I have too. I know what it takes. I have everything I need; the talent, the supportive parents, other likeminded musicians, a very supportive church. this is America for christ's sake, I'll be whoever the hell I wanna be.
maybe I needed it tho. just a day to put my noise supressing earbuds to good use and get lost in the music and feel like I'm the only one in the room.
I really hate school. it ruins me. I am convinced that I would be 100% happier, healthier, more energetic person if it isn't exist. I hate the pressure, I hate how the people are, I hate how the adminitraters are, I hate the food, I hate the smell, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, I hate the music they play in the hallways, I hate how rude everybody is, I hate the monotony. I. HATE. SCHOOL. it just makes me feel so akward. I feel like I don't belong.
maybe it's a good thing tho. maybe if I didn't feel that then I would be just another kid. and I would wear ed hardy and polos and get shitfaced every weekend and wear my hat backwards and keep the dumb little sticker on it and drive a charger. and grow up to be just another guy and go to college and maybe have a family and do absolutely nothing to benefit the succession of mankind except reproduce and change oxygen into carbon dioxide.
that's why college scares me. i dont wanna fall in line. I don't wanna end up like just some asshole uptight father who does nothing but sit behind a computer all day and come home to a shit family who hates me because I'm an uptight asshole of a father.
but who am I kidding. I would never let myself end up like that. I'm too much of a thinker, I'm too stubborn. uptight people don't think about things, other than how it will benefit themselves. I will not end up like that. I refuse. but what do I have going for me? my whole childhood I've dreamt of becoming the next big rockstar, and be the band I've always wanted to see. I wanna be so filthy fucking rich that I can pay for every place in the world that doesbt have water to never be thirsty again (which is estimated to take only $10 billion), or take a homless guy shopping or something crazy awsome like that. I wanna be the best father I can to my children and live in an average home even though I'm a billionaire. I wanna change the face of the entertainment buisiness with only the songs I write, or just the words I say. I wanna change peoples lives.
but what if I never get my big break?
but I have too. I know what it takes. I have everything I need; the talent, the supportive parents, other likeminded musicians, a very supportive church. this is America for christ's sake, I'll be whoever the hell I wanna be.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Atheism.
I hear people say: well if there is a God, and if he's so high and mighty as he claims to be, then why is there still poverty and war and hunger ad so much shit in the world?
let me put this in perspective for you:
God didn't do it. we did.
"well then why doesn't he do something about it?"
Genesis 1:1. God was chillin in the darkness when he was like hey, I'm lonely. so he created everything in seven "days" (which in the Hebrew translation it actualy means 'era', I'll get to that later.) and seperated the waters and the light and all that.
so parents love their kids, right? and they just looove to watch them grow and live and, well, be. they love displaying their artwork and they're generally proud of them - usually- no matter what.
God made us, not to hold us by the collar and drag us through some pointless life. he gave us the supplies and the ability to make life what we make it.
he created us, knowing good and well that we would be a bunch of idiots and murderers.
that being said, we are not totally off the hook. we still have to follow a few obvious rules, like dont murder (murder is a little different than kill), dont steal (unless neccesary), dont hate, and dont have sex with someone you shouldn't. which is all implanted in our brains from day 1. but most of all, the big one: love god, and love others. the bible is not a rule book, but a guide book. people will spend all their lives focusing on the donts, thinking that theyll have it made in heaven, when in reality they haven't left any sort of positive impression on any one human being.
God doesn't care about you're fancy churches or extensive bible collection or how much religious entertainment you dump in your poor little mind (which quite frankily can be just as toxic and greedy as any regular median) or how much you pray and how many damn crosses you can fit on one wall. I mean sure, if you like doing it be my guest, but there's so much more to it than that.
God is a pretty sick guy if you take the time to notice.
I mean after all, he created you.
let me put this in perspective for you:
God didn't do it. we did.
"well then why doesn't he do something about it?"
Genesis 1:1. God was chillin in the darkness when he was like hey, I'm lonely. so he created everything in seven "days" (which in the Hebrew translation it actualy means 'era', I'll get to that later.) and seperated the waters and the light and all that.
so parents love their kids, right? and they just looove to watch them grow and live and, well, be. they love displaying their artwork and they're generally proud of them - usually- no matter what.
God made us, not to hold us by the collar and drag us through some pointless life. he gave us the supplies and the ability to make life what we make it.
he created us, knowing good and well that we would be a bunch of idiots and murderers.
that being said, we are not totally off the hook. we still have to follow a few obvious rules, like dont murder (murder is a little different than kill), dont steal (unless neccesary), dont hate, and dont have sex with someone you shouldn't. which is all implanted in our brains from day 1. but most of all, the big one: love god, and love others. the bible is not a rule book, but a guide book. people will spend all their lives focusing on the donts, thinking that theyll have it made in heaven, when in reality they haven't left any sort of positive impression on any one human being.
God doesn't care about you're fancy churches or extensive bible collection or how much religious entertainment you dump in your poor little mind (which quite frankily can be just as toxic and greedy as any regular median) or how much you pray and how many damn crosses you can fit on one wall. I mean sure, if you like doing it be my guest, but there's so much more to it than that.
God is a pretty sick guy if you take the time to notice.
I mean after all, he created you.
balance.
why am I always seeking an excuse.
an excuse for my behavior, the way I think, the way I feel.
I am at a constant battle with my own intuition. "well if he's doing it, why can't I? but I shouldn't think like that, bad things come from thinking like that."
I am constantly thinking. I regularly get chastised for supposedly refusing to do my work. I never realize when I start to daydream. it's like how I tap on everything like it's a drum, I just do it subconsciencely.
whenever I talk, I always try to say things as fast as I think them, so I either slur all my words or mix them up or stutter or whatever. or when I'm playing drums, when I try to do a fill I think too much about it and second guess myself at the last minute and I either just freeze like a computer or drop a stick.
or both sticks.
i dont need sympathy. I don't need to hear how cute it is, or how great of a person I am otherwise.
or do I.
an excuse for my behavior, the way I think, the way I feel.
I am at a constant battle with my own intuition. "well if he's doing it, why can't I? but I shouldn't think like that, bad things come from thinking like that."
I am constantly thinking. I regularly get chastised for supposedly refusing to do my work. I never realize when I start to daydream. it's like how I tap on everything like it's a drum, I just do it subconsciencely.
whenever I talk, I always try to say things as fast as I think them, so I either slur all my words or mix them up or stutter or whatever. or when I'm playing drums, when I try to do a fill I think too much about it and second guess myself at the last minute and I either just freeze like a computer or drop a stick.
or both sticks.
i dont need sympathy. I don't need to hear how cute it is, or how great of a person I am otherwise.
or do I.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
for your information...
i am not writing this for your entertainment. i am not writing this as a indirect way to attack people. and i am certainly not writing to gain my title as the epitome of a indie kid. i am writing for the soul purpose of learning more about the person i sometimes reluctantly call myself.
so, here he is.
january 7, 2009.
i have recently found a relationship with a wonderful girl. shes smart, shes cute, shes different. shes akward, like me. she likes to take pictures and eat tofu. she wears v-necks and scarves every day, without fail. she appreciates art and music and anything of the sort.
it was meant to be.
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