god forbid...

...I become the type of guy who chooses not to fight back only to go home and hurry to my computer and let all my emotions out on my blog that no one reads.


oh wait.


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I think problem is that I'm always in the middle.

I'm not the kid who has to buy big shiny rims for my chevy avalanche, but I'm not the kid who smokes and survives off of drug money because my criminal record prohibits me from getting a job.

I'm not an outstanding thinking mind, but I am not an idiot.

I am not a brilliant songwriter, but I am not just the average guitar player who thinks that being able to play every single zeppelin hit is all that it takes to make it anywhere in the music business.

i'm not excessively mature for my age, but I've certainly outgrown middle school.

I am not a straight-a NHS poster child who devotes their existence (or is otherwise forced) to taking as many ap classes as possible, but Ive never really ever failed a class.

I listen to underoath and ftsk, but I love the shins and the american analog set.

I'm not the life of the party, but (I would hope) I'm not the most dull person you ever met.

statiscally, I am average. I'm just always in between. I don't stand out, but I don't fit in.

I've never fit in.

maybe that's what my problem is; I've never really fit in anywhere. even in music, pretty much the thing I value most in my life. I can write a song, or come up with something on GarageBand or whatever, but it wouldn't fit in with anything you would hear while browsing deep v-necks at urban outfitters or anything worth reading about in AP.

or maybe my problem is that I try to hard to base myself on those limited extremes. I'm too partial to both sides of the spectrum, I often have trouble finding a balance. I try too hard to make a song or draw something or edit a picture or whatever that fits in with both the playlist at hot topic and american apparel or looks good as both *insert random indie band's name reguarding some sort of woodland creature here*'s new tour poster or *insert random band on warped tour this year*'s cd cover.

no, that's my problem. I'm a hypocrite. I am too quick to point out how people base themselves on someone elses standard of cool when in reality, that's what I do. I set myself up for failure. I give myself standards of thinking, acting, saying, doing, whatever, all based on what someone else has done before, but expect originality from myself. like when I write a song, for example, I try to put way too much into it. it's gotta be extremely creative, it can't sound too much like anything you'd hear on 102.1, it can't sound like all time low's next single, everything has to be perfect and meaningful and it has to pay respects to original punk as well as coldplay and the cure and collective soul and blind melon and fugazi and quicksand and pink floyd and hendrix and CCR and the who etc etc etc etc. I strive for this perfect song, I set all the boundries up and try to force what I'm creating through this perfect little mold, and I often loose the point. like when Im stuck writing that damn essay for the TAKS test. I almost always have trouble writing even the first sentence, just because I get too caught up in planning out the perfect thing to say and how to make it all flow together and get everything I wanna say into this paper without leaving anything out. and I spend hours staring at the blank lines on this god forsaken answer document that has claimed so much of my limited mental capacity expecting myself to wrote this outstanding, brilliantly thought out and worded short story about "what success means to me". what this has to do with my daily life I'm not sure at this point, but it made sense in my head before I typed it.

I've always expected the most top notch artistry and creativity from myself, because that's how I define myself.

but why?

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you know, you'd think that as upcomming juniors in highschool we'd grow out of yelling abnoxious, not to mention irrelavent insults across the room in a public place and then proceed to hide our face in menu like eleven year olds, right?

well I did too.

it's unbelievable to me how someone can be that low; that desperate for attention; that unsatisfied with their life that they have to call other people out, in the middle of ihop, for random stupid things, such as their choice of size pants for that day or anything that they happen to overhear in conversation and replace certain nouns with assorted words including "dicks", "vaginas", or "scene-fags".

seriously guys, #1: get your sterotypes right. #2: knowingly acting like you're still in sixth grade, especially using that mindset to attempt to be an asshole, is not cool anymore.

and what else is it gonna take to knock some fucking sense into you? friends suspended? nope. friend in jail? no.

friend dead? apparently not.

if your parents have to take you out to eat with your little sister because the only money you have is drug money because you can't get a job because you have an outstanding criminal record, then you have no room to call anyone else out. just because you're going absolutley nowhere doesn't mean you can pull other innocent people down with you, for the sake of attention. in an ihop.

sit the fuck down, I dare you to lay a finger on me.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

sigh.

its been a while, good ol' blog.

I have a car now, woo.

I kindof had a crappy day.

it's one of those days that is just akward and uncomfortable and you feel like everyone is watching everything you do and everything you encounter is just too akward for you to handle and you just wanna go home and go back to bed.

and on days like this I always start to think about myself.

and when I think about myself, it's usualy negative.

I start to think how akward I am and how annoying I must seem and how much I don't belong in this school and how much the people at this school dont like me and how whiny and pathetic I am.

and then I start whining about how whiny I am.

basically, I am a pathetic mess and it effects everyone around me no matter how hard I try to stop it.

and when I get like this I feel more shy.

and when I feel more shy I start staring and giving people strange looks and acting akward.

and people think that I don't like them or I'm arrogent or whatever.

when really I'm just too shy.

and then I try to not be so shy and I start sounding like a cocky asshole and before I know it I've made somebody else feel like crap or made myself look like an ass.

and I try so hard not to do things compulsively, but it just results in making everything that much worse and more akward.

sigh.

why do you bother to put up with me sometimes?

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

...

I.

am so sick.

of my mother.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

I don't really have anything to say.

it's ten thirty-ish and I just woke up, and I'm laying in my bed scratching my dogs ears. my parents are both out running errands and I'm stuck at home with nothing to do but eat frosted flakes and go back to sleep. (they really are grrr-eat, ya know.) and I can't talk to my wonderul girlfriend because I have her phone and her laptop died. fan-freaking-tastic. I haven't posted anything since like a week ago, sorry about that. I'm either too lazy or too busy. mainly lazy.

I found this in my desk, some of my lame poetry:

the cameras flash and her eyes seem to gleam

but in her world nothings as it seems

she sits alone in her limousine

getting lost in the nicotine

shell never know why these silly things

take away more than they'll ever bring

a glass slipper and a diamond ring

she'll fall asleep, but she'll never dream.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

good morrow.

last night got me thinking. after with seeing the bands play and the audience and the lights and the sound and deep ellum and like minded liberalistic people, it made me wonder; why the hell am I not doing this at this point in my life? I've found that sense of belonging that I so long for. I just know in my little indie kid heart that that's what I wanna do...... what I'm gonna do.

I'm pretty sure Ive spent basically every waking moment with carley since two o'clock on thursday untill now. I really feel like were getting closer and closer. and the closer we get, the more feelings I get for her. she's just fascinating, I don't know what it is. we have so much in common, were both pretty weird. I like being with her, and she's fun to be with even when we're not making out.

moral of the story: I hate waking up before ten, carley is awsome, and we need to get our shit together.

ugh.

today wasn't a good day. not terrible, just not wonderful. I managed to legitimently fall asleep and dream in every one of my classes today. I don't know why, I got plenty of sleep. I get plenty of sleep. but lately it's been harder just to sum up enough energy to stay awake for a whole class period.

maybe I needed it tho. just a day to put my noise supressing earbuds to good use and get lost in the music and feel like I'm the only one in the room.

I really hate school. it ruins me. I am convinced that I would be 100% happier, healthier, more energetic person if it isn't exist. I hate the pressure, I hate how the people are, I hate how the adminitraters are, I hate the food, I hate the smell, I hate the atmosphere, I hate the work, I hate the music they play in the hallways, I hate how rude everybody is, I hate the monotony. I. HATE. SCHOOL. it just makes me feel so akward. I feel like I don't belong.

maybe it's a good thing tho. maybe if I didn't feel that then I would be just another kid. and I would wear ed hardy and polos and get shitfaced every weekend and wear my hat backwards and keep the dumb little sticker on it and drive a charger. and grow up to be just another guy and go to college and maybe have a family and do absolutely nothing to benefit the succession of mankind except reproduce and change oxygen into carbon dioxide.

that's why college scares me. i dont wanna fall in line. I don't wanna end up like just some asshole uptight father who does nothing but sit behind a computer all day and come home to a shit family who hates me because I'm an uptight asshole of a father.

but who am I kidding. I would never let myself end up like that. I'm too much of a thinker, I'm too stubborn. uptight people don't think about things, other than how it will benefit themselves. I will not end up like that. I refuse. but what do I have going for me? my whole childhood I've dreamt of becoming the next big rockstar, and be the band I've always wanted to see. I wanna be so filthy fucking rich that I can pay for every place in the world that doesbt have water to never be thirsty again (which is estimated to take only $10 billion), or take a homless guy shopping or something crazy awsome like that. I wanna be the best father I can to my children and live in an average home even though I'm a billionaire. I wanna change the face of the entertainment buisiness with only the songs I write, or just the words I say. I wanna change peoples lives.

but what if I never get my big break?

but I have too. I know what it takes. I have everything I need; the talent, the supportive parents, other likeminded musicians, a very supportive church. this is America for christ's sake, I'll be whoever the hell I wanna be.

Atheism.

I hear people say: well if there is a God, and if he's so high and mighty as he claims to be, then why is there still poverty and war and hunger ad so much shit in the world?

let me put this in perspective for you:

God didn't do it. we did.

"well then why doesn't he do something about it?"

Genesis 1:1. God was chillin in the darkness when he was like hey, I'm lonely. so he created everything in seven "days" (which in the Hebrew translation it actualy means 'era', I'll get to that later.) and seperated the waters and the light and all that.

so parents love their kids, right? and they just looove to watch them grow and live and, well, be. they love displaying their artwork and they're generally proud of them - usually- no matter what.

God made us, not to hold us by the collar and drag us through some pointless life. he gave us the supplies and the ability to make life what we make it.

he created us, knowing good and well that we would be a bunch of idiots and murderers.

that being said, we are not totally off the hook. we still have to follow a few obvious rules, like dont murder (murder is a little different than kill), dont steal (unless neccesary), dont hate, and dont have sex with someone you shouldn't. which is all implanted in our brains from day 1. but most of all, the big one: love god, and love others. the bible is not a rule book, but a guide book. people will spend all their lives focusing on the donts, thinking that theyll have it made in heaven, when in reality they haven't left any sort of positive impression on any one human being.

God doesn't care about you're fancy churches or extensive bible collection or how much religious entertainment you dump in your poor little mind (which quite frankily can be just as toxic and greedy as any regular median) or how much you pray and how many damn crosses you can fit on one wall. I mean sure, if you like doing it be my guest, but there's so much more to it than that.


God is a pretty sick guy if you take the time to notice.

I mean after all, he created you.